To Know Him

Carolyn

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As we began teacher & staff orientation and training at school last week, we began by each of us sharing our personal testimonies of how the Lord had drawn us to Himself and to the school. What an amazing, beautiful thing to sit and hear testimony after testimony of what God had done in the lives of those around me. This was a great way to start our year!

We also reflected and remembered what God had done to start the school by hearing about its history and its vision. God tells us in the Bible to remember the things He has done lest things are going so well and we are so full of the good things that we forget that He is the One who did them (Deuteronomy 8). We stopped to talk about those “stones of remembrance” (as in Joshua 4) God has given us, while acknowledging that each one is to the praise of His glory, not to us (Psalm 115:1).

How was I drawn to God? The answer was so clear — through His Word and the power of His Spirit. As I have written before, when I began to spend time daily in God’s Word, I began to understand and learn, and over time, He began to change my heart. As He promises in Scripture, He will reward those who seek Him, and He did. In His perfect time, He revealed Himself to me in power, and I found a joy I had never known.

On April 27, 2005, we were concluding Women’s Bible study for the year at my church by having a brunch. At that time, women would be offered the chance to share what they had learned during the study of Mark and Judges that year. We were told in our groups for a few weeks in advance to be thinking about what we might share. I, of course, would never dream of sharing to several hundred women at once, so I never even considered that!

The day of the brunch came, and I woke up early and felt like I was supposed to speak. “But that’s crazy,” I thought. “I don’t speak publicly, and I have nothing to say.” But the sense was so strong, I decided to just go look at my notebook from the study and see if anything jumped out at me. Well, to my surprise, it was so clear exactly what I was supposed to say! There was a prayer at the beginning of the study that I had written, and an answer to a question at the end of the study, and that’s what I was supposed to share.

The gist of the prayer was something like, “I’ve wanted all of Your blessings and benefits and none of Your sufferings, all without seeking you daily and counting the cost. I’ve put other things in front of you, like my kids, TV, our health, and not been wholeheartedly consumed with You. I want to do what You’ve called me to, …” Then the prayer at the end was written as I considered the cycle of sin that the Israelites went through in the book of Judges. I wanted to change the way I lived and do what is right in God’s eyes, not mine, and move forward in faith, not fear.

I wrote these things down on an index card to further consider whether I should really share. God had never “spoken” to me in this way before (not that this was audible, but with this strong sense that I was to do this), so I wanted to know for sure.

As I began making my bed, there was a song I was singing — you know, the kind of thing where you’re singing and don’t even realize you are, but then you realize it and stop to hear what you are singing? I was singing, “Your grace is sufficient for me; Your strength is made perfect when I am weak. All that I cling to, I lay at Your feet; Your grace is sufficient for me.” So I wondered, “Lord, are you telling me that I am weak, but You will be my strength?” Again, I doubted, “no, He doesn’t speak this way to me.”

I went on with my morning. I was supposed to bring donuts to my daughter’s class that morning (both my children attended the children’s ministry that met while the women’s Bible study met). As we drove down the street to Dunkin Donuts, there was a song on the radio: “Give thanks, with a grateful heart; give thanks to the Holy One; give thanks, because He’s given Jesus Christ, His Son…. And now, let the weak say ‘I am strong,’ let the poor say ‘I am rich,’ because of what the Lord has done for us; give thanks.” I pondered again this theme of His strength and my weakness. Different song, same message.

I went in Dunkin Donuts, and the same radio station was playing in there, and the same song continued. As I stood in line waiting, listening to, “Let the weak say ‘I am strong,'” I decided I would have to share. This was too convincing.

I went to drop off the children in their classes, and as I did, I turned back to my son and said, “Did you memorize your verse.” He responded, “Yes, Mommy; ‘this is love for God, to obey His commands.'” Aaahhh, that went straight to my heart — “this is love for God, to obey His commands!”

It wasn’t so much what I would share, as much as whether I would just stand up and say it! It almost seemed like a test of my faith — do I really believe Him enough to get up on my feet and speak? I had never had this kind of sense that He was leading me to do something so strongly, and if He does exist and is true, then He could certainly nudge me in this way. I almost felt that He just wanted me to obey Him.

By this time, I had entered the large gathering hall for the brunch, and was starting to feel nervous, but very convinced this is of the Lord. I nervously got my food, and sat down by myself at a table to think. As I did, I looked at the program that was sitting on the table. I flipped it over, and there on the other side was a printed song, Give Thanks! “… and now, let the weak say ‘I am strong‘; let the poor say ‘I am rich,’ because of what the Lord has done for us, give thanks.” Wow! 3 times, same message in 2 songs.

As the brunch began, I knew I needed to stand immediately as soon as they asked if anyone had anything to share. My legs didn’t want to stand — I don’t like public speaking — but I knew it was just my telling the Lord, “I believe You, I want to obey You.” I stood to my feet and with tears read my index card. That was it; nothing earth shattering; I simply said what I knew God wanted me to.

As ladies continued to share, a lady from my small group that year whom I had not seen that morning, stood up at another table. She said, “This is not what I had planned to share, but you know how sometimes, God just speaks to you and you know this is what He wants you to share. Well, I woke up at 3 a.m. last night, and this is what He said to me, well, you all know it, from II Corinthians 12:9-10: ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness….'” Wow! Those are the words to the song I was singing when I made my bed, and God had spoken this to Jan in the night to speak today; I couldn’t believe it!

Another girl shared how it had been hard being a mother; at the end, she threw in the words as she sat down, “He’s strong when I’m weak!”

At the end of the brunch, we all stood to our feet and sang Give Thanks, the song on the back of the program. I was just stunned with this same message over and over. I went through the day pondering it, feeling so blessed. I took my son to afternoon kindergarten, then drove to Starbucks with my daughter to get some gift cards. As we sat in the car in the drive through, I put on a CD that a friend had given me a few months back, a homemade CD, one I was not familiar with, and not of the greatest quality. I couldn’t hear the song that came on, so I just hit the arrow button to jump to a new song. The car was dead silent as I waited for the song to come on in that drive through. Suddenly, it burst out into the car, “Your grace is sufficient for me; Your strength is made perfect when I am weak, All that I cling to, I lay at Your feet. Your grace is sufficient for me.”

I know these are not the kinds of things you can write about and it even make sense to the reader; it was one of those moments God had prepared for me, and I was stunned, in awe. I felt I had nothing left to do but give Him my life entirely. I had known all about Him all my life, but not really even known Him or what He wanted of me. But that day, after hearing the same message 7 times, I knew I needed to believe Him and follow Him fully.

The next morning, I knelt beside my bed, and I must say, I did think, “This is going to be boring” as I committed to give up TV (not because it’s bad in and of itself, but because I was addicted to it!), to seek to know and obey Him and His ways, to read my Bible and study it, and so on.

But the truth is, I’ve never been bored since! I haven’t missed the TV at all. Such joy poured out over me that I had never known in all my previous 35 years! The path of obedience and faith is the path of blessing. When I obey God by doing what He commands in His Word, I demonstrate that I love Him. But I won’t obey Him if I don’t believe Him. That day, I believed God, and by His grace, I pray I will the rest of my days!

From April 27, 2005 on, life has been an amazing adventure. I realized He rewards and blesses those who seek Him, not what He can give. He has revealed so much to me and I’ve experienced things that I never had before. I have found that God does speak and reveal Himself to His people, yes through His Word, but also through the indwelling Spirit! What a gift!

I am humbled to be His child, His servant, that He would save me through Jesus’ shed blood, and I want to live for Him. This is what the blog is really about, proclaiming who Christ is and how He can change a life. He is full of power and might and has done great things! I stand in awe of Him!

Waiting on God

Carolyn

I am too exhausted to blog, but too full of praises not to!

I’ve been running like crazy the last week getting ready for the new school year to begin. We have faculty/staff orientation and training beginning tomorrow. We have an amazing group of teachers joining us this year that God has faithfully provided. Several wonderful teachers trained in this classical model sought out our school without us having to even search! We have seen God’s hand of blessing on this endeavor since the very beginning, and those are stories I will love to share when I have time.

But for now, I have another simple praise. My husband has received an offer for a book contract! Though he has published an academic book (he is a theology professor), he started writing fiction on the side and began working on his first book. In God’s perfect ways and timing, a publishing house that he submitted it to wants to publish it!

We are excited to see how what we felt like was God’s leading in this turn into a reality. You pray and believe that you are moving where God is leading, but then there is often a wait in between the thought and the reality. And in this case, there was a long wait! But it’s a sweet time of excitement that his story and characters will actually come to life. We are thankful, and we know this is from the Lord. We want to give Him all the praise and glory!

Happy Birthday!

Carolyn

Psalm 145:6 “Men shall speak of the power of Your awesome acts, and I will tell of Your greatness.”

On July 29, 2000, just before 5:00 p.m., we welcomed the arrival of our precious daughter at 27 weeks, 1 day. Her due date was October 27, 2000. Though I had been in the hospital 23 days and was ready to be at the end of such intense physical pain, I knew that the end of my pain would mean the beginning of hers.

Because I was under general anesthesia for the c-section, it took several hours for me to wake up and regain clear vision. When I did at around 3:00 a.m., I told my husband, “I can see; show me the pictures!” He turned on the light in my hospital room and handed me the two polaroids that the nurses had taken. There she was, so small, looking just like her older brother did at birth (he was 9 lbs.), but smaller (she was 2 lbs.), and with a severe grimace on her face, with tubes everywhere. I cried out, “We have to pray right now!” It’s all I knew to do, helpless as we were.

As we prayed, the neonatologist came in: “I saw your light on…. I was hoping I would find you awake to talk to you… she’s touch and go…. we don’t know what will happen….” She had had a reaction to something called surfactant, a substance given to help premature babies’ underdeveloped lungs. They had sucked it back out, and she was on full vent, maximum oxygen, struggling for her little life. That wasn’t the only problem, but one of many.

The following day, I was wheeled to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit to see her for the first time. She was on a small rectangular flat bed, covered over tightly with what looked like a piece of saran wrap. I just looked at her and talked to her and prayed for her.

I spent the next 3 months going back and forth to the hospital, taking care of my son at home and taking care of her in the hospital. Little by little, day by day, enduring many ups and downs, we got to her original due date and discharge on October 27, 2000.

I saw God’s hand in so many details. We have so many amazing stories of this time. The verse at the top is significant to me because it’s one the Lord gave me as I was awaiting her eye surgery. She had “retinopathy of prematurity” which had advanced to stage 3, level 2. ROP has 5 stages with stage 4 being retinal detachment and stage 5 being blindness. They were prepared to do the surgery at her stage 3 to stop the rapid progression. I was told that the surgery was effective in 80% of the cases, but I also knew that the surgery could bring long term negative side effects regarding her vision. We prayed intensely for the 3 days leading up to the surgery.

The day of the surgery arrived, and they sent me across the hall to the waiting room so they could check her eyes before they began. As I continued praying, I opened the Bible in the waiting room and saw this verse from Psalm 145:6 “Men shall speak of the power of Your awesome acts, and I will tell of Your greatness.” I knew in my heart at that moment that she would not need the surgery, that it would be an awesome act on her behalf, and that I should profess to the eye surgeons God’s greatness.

The nurse came to get me very soberly, saying, “They want to see you now.” As I walked into the NICU, the two doctors were standing there, and they turned around to see me with their faces beaming. “We wouldn’t have expected this!” one of them said. “Her eyes have improved! They’re not totally better, but we aren’t going to do the surgery. We’ll come back and check them in a few days.” Though her eyes were followed regularly for the next several months, she never needed surgery and today is only borderline for glasses (slightly nearsighted). I told the doctors, “The Lord did this” and did testify to His greatness.

This is just one example of many where I saw God intimately concerned about the details of our lives. In fact, I would tell people when I would tell them about her in the days and years that followed that “we saw God in every detail”!

About 4 or 5 years after she was born, I found a journal I had kept when I was pregnant. At that time in my life, I did not regularly journal, but every so often, would attempt it, and it would last for a few entries, then be set aside! So I was surprised these years later to find an old journal with a few entries of when I had been pregnant. I read and found that I had been in a bit of a spiritual pit, not seeking the Lord as I should, feeling very depressed. I journaled as I was flying to Memphis about the pregnancy and not knowing what was going on, but it didn’t seem right. I then wrote something to the effect of “I would hate for something horrible to have to happen to my baby to make me see that God is involved in all life’s details.”

Stunned. I was simply stunned by this. How could I have written this and gone on to have this premature baby who did indeed teach me that God cared for us in every detail of our lives! This was the reality I had learned that I had verbalized to everyone since her birth. And here I was reading this journal entry that that’s what I had been needing to be convinced of. And I was. And God is good. And His ways are right. And I love Him. And I give Him praise. And I thank Him for being in all life’s details.

Today, she is a healthy (though still small), 8 year old little girl. She loves stuffed animals, arts & crafts, writing, reading her Bible, but most importantly, she loves God. I am sharing above a picture from family camp last week. They did facepainting at the carnival at camp, and she asked if she could have this painting on her face.

She writes poetry constantly. Below is just one of her poems. They are always very theological and praiseworthy. When I wonder where she gets these thoughts, I am reminded of all those prayers when she was in the incubator that God would be close to her when no one else could be there or hold her. I trusted that He held her, and I see indications that He has made Himself known to her in very real and powerful ways. I praise Him for all He has done and all He will do in this precious one’s life.

Jesus, I love You

“Jesus, I’ll tell people about You,
Then they’ll actually know You’re true.
So that’s why Your love keeps pouring out over me;
Because I love You and I know You’re holy.
So breathe into me breath so I can tell people about You
And then they’ll know You, too!
So Jesus, You’ll be in my heart forever
And stop loving You is what I’ll do NEVER!
Because You are my King,
and You love everyone and everything!
And I’ll meet you in the holy place;
and then I can actually see Your face!”

Praise You, Lord! We weren’t promised 8 seconds, 8 minutes, or 8 days, and yet, here we are at 8 years! You have been gracious to us, patient with us, revealed Yourself to us, and lovingly helped us. To You alone be the glory!

Family Camp 2008

Carolyn

We are with my husband’s family in New York for a family camp this week. My father-in-law and our brother-in-law (both of whom are in ministry) are the speakers, and the entire family decided to come along. The children are having great fun with their cousins. We have had plenty of entertainment with miniature golf, arts & crafts, rock wall climbing, playing at the beach, going to the camp’s carnival, sending the children to their classes while we attend teaching sessions, enjoying the concerts put on by the camp, and eating much delicious food.
I never much cared for camp growing up. 2 weeks was a long time to be away, and I always missed my family. This, though, as a family, is actually a lot of fun! I don’t feel homesick having everyone together. This is an ideal arrangement, especially when the children are younger.

I’m enjoying some time, too, to reflect on being a wife and mom. I’ve not ever considered these roles in life as much of a “calling” as I necessarily have other things. For example, when we helped start a school, God gave us a clear “calling.” Many things in life leave me with a sense of calling. Funny how with perhaps the most important roles I have, I’ve never thought about them in this way. And maybe God hasn’t made a particular “call” regarding being a wife and mom simply because it’s so obvious: it’s what I am!

After spending the last 2 years helping get a school started and at times being all consumed by it, I feel God calling me back to these most important roles. Over the last month or so, I’ve realized it over and over again in very specific ways. With my children, I know these days are short, and I don’t have long to pour into these precious lives, these gifts from God. I will continue to work at the school in the job I love, but my prayer is this year will be marked by balance and that each role I have will be put in its proper place.

I praise the Lord today that He has given us the gift of family and that He has taught us in His Word how to act and live as a family in relationship to one another and in relationship to Him. I praise Him that He is able to make all grace abound toward us. I need His help. In nothing else do I see my inadequacies so greatly. In this, as in all things, I must exchange my weakness for His strength and yield to His Spirit’s leading. He will no doubt give me joy in this call as I trust and obey Him. May He renew and revive each of our hearts in this home so that we may all walk in the fullness of Him!

The God Who Can Be Known

Carolyn

“The man who would know God must give time to Him.” A. W. Tozer

I am reading The Divine Conquest by A. W. Tozer, and I’ve been thinking a lot this week about this statement he made early in the book. This has been the key to my knowing God — spending time with Him each day in His Word (the Bible) and in prayer. How incredible to think that we have a God who can be known!

For many years of my life, I learned about God in church and at school, and I believed what I heard. But there were only small periods of time through the years where I would take the time to personally study the Bible on my own. I knew so much intellectually that I didn’t even realize that my heart was far from God. People thought I was nice and I thought I was doing ok.

Once I had children, I spent more time studying parenting books and reading baby magazines than reading my Bible! I was obsessed with having everyone healthy and absolutely fell apart in fear if my son got so much as a fever! I wanted to have complete control over everything, and I wasn’t even aware of the fact that I was desiring so many things instead of God.

When we moved to a new city, I began to study God’s Word. I joined Women’s Bible Study at my church. I studied things like the book of John, the book of Mark, and the book of Judges. I also participated in summer Bible studies with friends where we would typically do a Beth Moore Bible study, such as Jesus the One and Only, where we studied the book of Luke.

It didn’t happen instantaneously, but through the continued study of God’s Word and in prayer, He began to reveal Himself to me in power. No longer was I simply having knowledge of the Bible given to me by someone else; I was beginning to know God more and more and find that He can be known. In fact, He promises that in Hebrews 11:6 — He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.

My faith used to be like someone looking in the rear view mirror. I would pray and then after the fact, look back and see what God had done. But now, God is right here with me, making Himself known as I pray about things and speaking to me through the Bible and through His Spirit in me. He walks me through life. He is not absent! He is here in my every day.

So I praise Him for the gift of salvation through His Son, Jesus. I praise Him for the Bible. I praise Him for prayer where, through Christ, I can commune with Him. And I praise Him for the gift of His Spirit which is given to those who believe on Him.

These are truly amazing gifts, too wonderful for words, too vast to comprehend, too marvelous to completely understand! But they are real, they are powerful, and they are freely given to those who believe Him and seek His face! Praise You, Lord!