Category: Stones of Remembrance

Thankful

Carolyn

There are some things in life that always stay with you. They leave you so changed, and even when you’re not consciously thinking about it, it’s almost an ever present awareness. Then there are times that it all floods back.

I’ve been remembering a lot lately about my daughter’s birth. If you are squeamish, you might not want to look at the pictures. She was born at 27 weeks and spent her first 3 months of life in the hospital. Because I was under general anesthesia for the delivery, the first time I saw her was about 3:00 a.m. (after an afternoon delivery) when I was enough awake again and able to see clearly. She was in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit; I was in my own hospital room. I woke up excited to see the picture and asked my husband to turn on the lights and bring it over: “I can see now! Let me see her!” This is what I saw the first time I saw my daughter.


She was just over 2 pounds, and though this picture makes her look big, she was so small. She looked so much like my son did at birth, only obviously sick. They try to prepare you for a premature birth, and in some ways, I was, but not for that moment. I immediately cried and told my husband, “We have to pray right now.” We finished praying, and in walked the neonatologist. He had seen our light on and wanted to talk to us. He told us, “She’s touch and go.” She had had a reaction to the surfactant that they use to help the baby’s lungs, and they had sucked it back out, but she was extremely sick. He just wanted us to know.

Thus began the roller coaster ride that is the NICU, up and down moments for the next few months, life or death moments. When we saw her the following day, she was still lying on the little flat bed with what looked like saran wrap over it. That’s where they keep the preemies until they are stable enough for the incubator seen below. (By the way, I took pictures of pictures for this, so the flash makes some bright lights on these pictures.)


It’s so amazing to think a baby can be born this early and live! When she got home from the hospital, she looked more like this below — you can see her head had been often shaved for IVs and her muscles were very tight (the clinched fists). She was on an apnea monitor for a while, so you see the cord. And she was still pretty tiny, maybe 5 pounds here.


By Christmas time, she was 5 months old and about 7 1/2 pounds, and starting to look more like a normal baby. (That’s a flash glare on her head!)

It was a long couple of years. Here she is today, many miracles later, still small, but healthy.

There are times when it comes flooding back, and these last couple of weeks have been those times. I took her to her well check at the doctor’s last week. We talked about how well she has been these last 2 winters despite early asthma problems, and I realized how many health issues she has overcome. Though she never made her catch up growth, she is on the growth charts, even if just barely! These things make me very thankful to the Lord.

When I see that she has a mind that can think and she is doing well in school; when I see her heart for the Lord and love for Him; when I read the things she writes; when I see her work hard to run and keep up in P.E. (even if she comes in closer to the end), I am thankful. Thankful that this baby was healed to see and think and grow and live. Thankful to the Lord.

We had Fine Arts Day at school yesterday where the children could share their poetry and Scripture memory and hymns. In my daughter’s class, they recited Psalm 103 together, blessing the Lord that He forgives sin, heals diseases, redeems our lives from the pit, crowns us with lovingkindness and tender mercies, and satisfies us. Then each student recited one of the verses. The verses my daughter said (Psalm 103:17-18) were ones that were key verses for me in 2009 as I studied the fear of the Lord in depth that year.

She said, “But the steadfast love of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him, and his righteousness to children’s children, to those who keep his covenant and remember to do his commandments.”

These were just promises I had reflected on and verses I had even shared in a video that I did for our school. Then to hear them coming out of her mouth — that those were the verses she was given to say alone — it was just a sweet blessing.

My heart is so full of the things He has done, the miracles He has worked, the things He has shown me. Great and marvelous are His works, mighty and powerful is He, and I praise Him and thank Him!

Psalm 145:6 “Men shall speak of the power of Thine awesome acts, and I will tell of Your greatness.”

Powerful God

Carolyn

Note: I am reposting below a blog entry I did a while back because it’s been on my mind with yesterday being April 19th. I always remember this date because of what happened in 1995, but also because in 2002, on April 19th, my mom and step-dad were in a terrible highway accident. A lady pulled through the median into them in traffic. They were pinned in the car until they could be cut out, and my step-dad was airlifted to a Memphis hospital with a fractured neck and spent 8 weeks with a metal halo drilled in his head! So each year, I have many reasons to praise God for His protection and care for us in these things!

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April 19, 1995. I remember the date clearly because it was the same day as the Oklahoma City bombing. I was working as a legal assistant in Dallas for a small law firm. I was driving over to Tyler, Texas to pick up the record on appeal for a case on which we were working.

There was supposed to be bad weather, so the one attorney suggested I not go. The others didn’t think it would be bad, so I went ahead. As I entered the highway, my car slid out of control because of the wet ground. Thankfully, I didn’t hit anything, but it made me a little nervous about the travel ahead. The radio was, of course, on, and a song by Twila Paris was playing, “God is in Control.” “God is in control, we believe that His people will not be forsaken, God is in control, we will choose to remember and never be shaken, there is no power above or beside Him, we know, God is in control.”

The song gave me comfort and I chose to believe that He was in control of my travel that day. I went on, and as I did, it turned into the most beautiful and sunny day! Well, this wasn’t bad at all, I thought. But as I drove, after I would pass a town, a short time later, the radio announcer would say, “The tornado is now in X.” And X was whatever town I had just passed. But I wasn’t worried because it was so sunny and pretty now. Surely those towns were pretty big, and so the likelihood I would encounter anything on the way back seemed remote to me, I reasoned.

I ran into the Court of Appeals and got the record. As I started to head back to Dallas, I thought again about the storm, but went ahead. As I drove, it didn’t really occur to me that there were no other cars on the road; the highway was empty. But they obviously had heeded the warnings. I have never before encountered what I did that day. It literally went from blue and sunny to black, heavy rain, hail, and a total inability to see — literally, it seemed in one second flat. There was no transition from light to heavy rain — it just went light to dark in an instant, and I had zero visibility for the darkness, the torrential rain, and the softball size hail hitting the car!

I didn’t know what to do. The last thing I had seen was that there was an exit ramp just shortly ahead, but I couldn’t even see to drive. I inched along. Suddenly all the glass started breaking on the car, the back window blew in, I was covered in glass, rain and hail, and the car was flooding. I did the only thing I knew to do. I was screaming to God to help me. All I know is that my panic turned to peace as soon as I heard a song coming in from the radio. Yes, once again, Twila Paris, “God is in Control.” “God is in control, we believe that His people will not be forsaken. God is in control. We will choose to remember and never be shaken. There is no power above or beside Him, we know. God is in control.”

I clung to those words. There is no power above Him. He was right there with me. I remember the rain moving on enough that I could see to exit, and oddly, I still remember driving my car in a complete circle, so shaken, so unsure where to turn, which direction, that I literally held the wheel and kept going around in a circle. I saw a driveway and entered. It was a local country club. I went inside, and they were shocked that I had been caught out in that storm. They all testified, “We’ve never seen anything like it. We can’t believe you were caught in it!”

I was drenched and upset. They then said, “You need to get under the pool table with the others because it’s not over. The tornado hasn’t passed yet.” I decided not to do so as I couldn’t expect anymore could possibly happen. The men, who earlier had been out golfing, stood by the back windows and watched the tornado pass.

A nice lady followed me back to Dallas in my demolished car. It took several years for me not to shake all over when a storm would come up. I remember getting back to Dallas and hearing about the Oklahoma City bombing that day. I trust God was near to those and revealing Himself to them in their time of need, accomplishing His purposes in the midst of great tragedy.

Praise You, Lord, that You are the Sovereign Lord who controls all things and is all powerful. Thank You for Your protection in the midst of life’s storms and for making Your presence known when fear was threatening me. You are so worthy of all our trust!

A Quick Praise

Carolyn

Well, I went to the dermatologist a couple of weeks ago for a place that had come up on my nose a few weeks prior to that. While he assured me it was not dangerous, he immediately wanted to freeze it off. I didn’t want to do that, so he said I could come back when I wanted to, but that in the meantime, it would keep growing.

I had been praying about it since I had first noticed it, so I decided I would just keep praying about it. I’ve had things like this happen before where a doctor tells me what I need, I opt to wait and pray, and things improve. I’ve seen miracles in my daughter’s life and mine physically (both big and small), and why then would I begin to underestimate God?

I know this was small, I know it seems inconsequential, I know freezing it would have worked out just as well. But I chose to wait and pray. After my last appointment, it did seem to change, and I got nervous, and decided the sooner I got rid of it the better. I made another appointment for today, but continued to pray that it might go away before the visit.

Well, last night, I rubbed a washcloth over my face, and it came right off, completely. I was so thankful. The doctor’s office told me this morning to still come in so he could be sure it was gone, and it was. When he saw it was gone, the doctor asked me, “What did you do?” I could only tell him the only thing I had done: pray! He said, “Well, if it comes back, pray again.”

So anyway, I just want to thank the Lord for this. I know it’s a smaller thing, it wasn’t anything serious, but it was just a small sweet blessing. I had had a rotten day yesterday, too, and was so sad last night, convicted of my ugly sin — and at all times for Him to be gracious to me — in the midst of such ugliness — it just seemed to show me a glimpse of His kindness, patience and mercy, His forgiveness and help when I feel helpless.

Now literally, since I have arrived home this afternoon from the visit, seriously, there is a place itching on my face. I just went and looked in the mirror and it’s some kind of spot! What in the world am I to make of that?! Well, at all times, and in all things, God is in control. He is good. He is worthy of our trust. I want to believe Him and know that He is able. Even when we have suffered physically in greater ways, God has always been near and made Himself known. For all these things, for who He is, for His power and love, I am thankful!

A Quick Praise

Carolyn

I just wanted to say a quick praise today!

9 years ago today, we brought our second born home from the hospital after a 3 month stay in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. She was discharged from the hospital on her original due date, though she had been born in late July. We came home with an apena monitor so we’d know if her heart stopped, some medications, and lots of instructions on how to follow up with eye exams, weight checks, physical therapy, doctor visits, etc.

I say we brought her “home,” but in reality, we brought her to my mom’s house. She had been born in Memphis, though we lived in Virginia at the time. I had been visiting my mom that summer when the pregnancy deteriorated to the point of hospitalization in early July. And there in Memphis, we stayed for the next 5 1/2 months.

How wonderful for God to provide this place for her birth, where I had grown up and had a loving church family and friends to surround us, my family to care for my oldest while I was in the hospital the month of July, an OB/GYN as my mom’s next door neighbor who God used to save our lives, outstanding doctors, familiarity with where I was. We had been living in Virginia for my husband’s doctoral program at the university there, but we did not have this kind of network, and I actually am not convinced my daughter or I would be alive if the pregnancy had proceeded there where my doctor dismissed everything in this extremely rare, life threatening situation. He did not even want to do an ultrasound, and he wouldn’t have referred me to a high risk doctor. We weren’t even at the UVa hospital, but a lower level one called Martha Jefferson which could not have met our needs. And my doctor was ever reluctant to pass his patients off to anyone associated with UVa.

I see God’s provision in being at my mom’s house with this doctor who came by every day, understood the situation, and got me the care we needed.

I praise the Lord today for His kindness and mercy, for His love for us. I praise Him that He uses hard times, times of suffering, to draw us to Himself in ways we’d never do otherwise. I praise Him that He uses these things for His glory. I praise Him that He allowed my child to live, and I pray she will bless His name always and follow Him all the days of her life, loving Him with all her heart, soul, mind and strength.

Seek and You Will Find

Carolyn

Hebrews 11:6
“But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.”

Matthew 7:7-8
“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.”

I love verses like this, and I love it that we have a God who keeps His promises. Repeatedly in Scripture, we see that the one who seeks finds, that when we draw near to God, He draws near to us, that He hears and acts on behalf of His people, that He rewards those who seek Him. Pretty amazing!

I’ve really needed wisdom this week for a number of things. God brought something into my family’s life that was unexpected. His Word and love for Him seem to require that I should respond in a certain way, a way that demands I give more of myself than I would naturally be inclined to do. Something that may not be easy or natural. I look ahead and wonder, “just for now or how long?”

The other morning, I knelt and asked God about it. You know how sometimes, you just want God to be very clear about what you should do in a situation, but you also realize that maybe He doesn’t need to be any clearer, for the Bible has already shed perfect light on how we should respond and obey. Nonetheless, I sought God. Though my words felt just like words, I asked Him for the faith to believe that there was power in prayer and that He could show us what we should do. I wanted Him to reveal to us something confirming about this whole situation.

That afternoon I went to pick up my son early from an event at church. I was able to sit down and hear the testimony of a college student who is working this summer with the children. How could it be that what he shared was identical to what I was thinking and we are dealing with? There’s the answer, right there. It was very clear. I couldn’t help the tears from flowing as I sat in the back of the room, realizing there is really no mistake about what God would have us do.

There is joy in believing and obeying. There always is, no matter the situation. I sense God providing for what He asks us to do. I sense my heart giving way to His will. I praise Him that He did answer me when I called and He did it quickly!

I’ve been reading A Quest for More by Paul Tripp. He is, in fact, speaking at our church tomorrow night, and I am excited to hear him speak. He writes about how we were made for transcendence, but Satan offered Adam and Eve an independent glory, or autonomy. “The quest for autonomy will always crush transcendence.” So rather than living for the huge glory of God, we can end up living for “shadow glories filling the dim cubicle of my own glory.” Living for my little kingdom instead of His.

Now this is the part that got me: “Most of us have learned how to celebrate our inclusion in God’s great and glorious work, while functionally caring for little that does not directly address us. In doing this we have Christianized our autonomy. Essentially, we are asking God to give his endorsement to our attempt to shrink the transcendent glories of his kingdom to the size of our circle of personal concern. And even though we are trying to live inside of God’s boundaries, we have still manufactured a life where self is at the center. It is quite possible for our Christianity to be quite narrow and selfish and to not be aware of the shrinkage.”

That’s just a snippet, but he goes on in a way that let me see I like to serve when it’s in a way that pleases me. Oh, I want to please Him, and I want to do His will, but it’s nice when it lines up with my will! There is so much more, and He often calls us to things that are not easy, but the blessing will no doubt be incredible when we obey Him. And He’ll continue to expand our view.

Praise You, Lord, for rewarding those who believe You and diligently seek You. Thank you that you can be found! Thank you that Your Spirit is at work in us to make us more like You. Thank you for teaching us your ways.